Friday, January 31, 2003

I sit on the wall, legs dangling outward; the mutt grabbing at my toes.Vacillating between the ticks on his forehead and the future of my job. The train trundles past, echoing in the back of my forehead. Remnants of childhood security. It's quiet. No quality to it though. Not empty. Not full. Just a part of the night. I should sleep now. But way too much noise in my head. Endless un-sleep.

The rickshaw draws up at the gate. I step out to see the face. It had to be him. Stealing up silently as the curtain rises. The foreplay to performance. The face in the neon-light. Sharp and haggard. Wide generous mouth. And then come the profanities, the inanities, the meaninglessness of it all. Audience in line. And then he marches in, volume turned high. Filling up the spaces.

I climb back onto the wall. Disruption is a temporary phenomenon. The dog's around. I stare into space only to be able to see myself as part of the space. A community of double-storeyed buildings on barren avenues.

He calls out. I trudge in. And go sit on him. His arms around me, his head in the crook of my neck. Rocking. This must be what they call comfort.

Thursday, January 30, 2003

A platitude is what has been repeated so many times that it ceases to appear truthful. On second thoughts, the appearance of untruthfulness is not necessarily a lie.

Tuesday, January 28, 2003

I was reading philosophy in the manner of grabbing a burger, swigging a Pepsi, munching a cookie…and out of nowhere, a tiny piece stuck. Toothpick refused to budge it, it stayed….

Not all of the Greeks, but a large proportion of them were passionate, unhappy, at war with themselves, driven along one road by the intellect and along another by the passions, with the imagination to conceive heaven and the wilful self-assertion that creates hell.

Sounds familiar?

Monday, January 27, 2003

Not a waste after all. Spent some time writing. Slept a lot. Saw a few plays.

Friends of mine staged a performance of this play called 'The Temple Elephant' originally in Malayalam. Extremely well produced and enacted. To begin with, the script is POWERFUL. Cynical and angry, bitter and spent.

It's the story of a temple elephant and his mahout, banished to obscurity and penury since the elephant started throwing the temple idols off its back. Metaphors abound and there was something extremely touching about the camraderie of poverty. The story progresses and brings in various characters in the public arena who want to use the elephant's plight for their ulterior motives. Extremely catchy translation...and very very empathetic.

All theatre is in the end but an idea. The performance and the prostitution of an idea? Who buys and to what purpose?
Is this how life's truths unfold? On an artifical stage in manipulated spots?
In artistry and sleight-of-hand lie the remnants of the tipping point.

Saturday, January 25, 2003

I have a weekend lying waste. Surprising that I do not know what to do considering that I have spent the last six months doing precisly this. Figuring out how to optimise time and minimise anxiety and depression. 'Optimise'! Sheesh, the jargon is right back in place.

I have a few new books to pick up where I left them last. Just discovered Ian McEwan a few months back and he's BRILLIANT. Not just style, but also a lot of intrigue in the stuff he writes. Quite dark, which is something I wouldn't expect upfront from a British author. But then, I guess that applies to Murdoch too, so I stand corrected. Too small a sample size and too arbitrary a conclusion.
What else have I been reading? 'Lila' all over again. And it never disappoints.

The day's been uneventful. One meeting and a few concept notes and a lot of surfing and some crosswords. Wonder what's on telly tonight? I am disoriented. I have lost my place in space and time. Somebody stole my markers.

Went for the silly Ashram tour last week. I repeat 'Silly! A fifteen minute silent walk through a lovely place and 35 mins of a VIDEO!!!
At the end of the tour, you're handed an FAQ that has questions as vague as 'Why does the Brotherhood, etc etc....wear white?'...Ans: 'Osho chose the colour'! Case closed....and of course not to mention something to the effect of 'Is the Ashram all about sex and orgies?'....Ans: 'People interested in spirituality ask about meditation, people interested in cars ask about Rolls Royces, people interested in sex......'

As a friend of mine would say 'Le Li':)

Thursday, January 23, 2003

I am moving house next month. My roomie's getting married. And I'm bored of maintenance. Like, really BORED. So moving into this paying guest accomodation near office. Huge row-house and everything else thrown in for good measure. Kitchenette, writing space, furniture and A DOG. I am so looking forward to it. The dog part that is. My parents live in this villa-like place with lawns all over and space and light and the works. And we've never had a dog, because my mum doesn't fancy taking care of one. And when I moved out of home seven years back to college and then work, I knew I definitely wouldn't be able to ever have a dog on my own. Too little space and way too little time. It's kind of an unexpected surprise right now. So in a month's time, I am going to have a pet.

I'm sure I'll hate giving up the flat. It's been my place. I hunted it down, furnished it, maintained it, cleaned it, loved it and held onto it for so long. It was so MY place. It's a beautiful looking thing by the way. Fifth floor, French windows and lovely view.

I guess it makes a lot of sense to move though, everything in life being currently so transitory. Today's a lazy day again, I hope my projects get going soon. I need enough distractions.
So much like old times, repair template, trial and error, cups of tea and intermittent phone calls....Is it deja vu; misplaced nerve ends or life coming full circle?
Is crazy to be back when I didn't even go. Welcome to an empty room and sleeping eyes.
So much to tell, so much to keep. Been away, been happy, been sad and been alive.

Anyway, it's back to work after a six month hiatus. Finally, there's somebody else to impose a little routine in my life. I have a new machine and a new desk. The view's as good as ever and I still recognise the jargon. Easing into the role, walking the walk, talking the talk.

The past few months have probably been more difficult than anything else I have ever done in my life. Long days of wakefulness and constant sleeplessness. Studied, crammed, wrote, worried. And blew away all that carefully hoarded money. Time to earn it all over again.

I travelled and I talked, and I slept and I walked. Pune, Bombay, Bangalore, Goa, Lakshadweep, Pune. What will it be next? I am bored of this city, I hope I get to move soon. Into a new life and a long road.