Friday, January 30, 2004

A little bit of conversation always clears up the air. Only to await further smog. It's a thin line I'm traipsing here. And I wonder if it's ever going to be any different.

The problem is that there are always multiple strategies to further the illusion. And maintain decorum. And freeze frame. And nothing wrong with that, except that it requires a constant investment of inclination. Which so far I have found the resources to make...anybody's guess how long it will last. I personally would like to raise the stakes before I make an effort. As somebody remarked long years ago, I like to play with the big boys;).

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Life is a fiction we tell other people...

Friday, January 23, 2004

I could do this. I really could. A hundred times over till it seeps into the pores in an indelible histology. And why would I do that? Because all it takes is a little practice. An appearance of ease and the familiarity of touch. Can I lead you through it again? That oft-repeated litany, that much-maligned tale. Will I have an audience at the end of it? Or is that like everything else impermanent and replaceable, the victim of the demand curve and the whim of a value proposition? May it be…because erase I cannot and forget I must not.

God, such a melodrama, such a story about nothingness. And in the next breath I will counter and make an insurgent plea for the value of my kind of nothingness. Not yours, never yours. Yours I will knock down with the surety of reason and the arrogance of audience. The benefits of being on the outside you see are as much mine as yours.

….could I be a little more specific? Of course not, that would spoil it all.

A story about all the right things though. The impossibility of ‘love’, the predictability of path and the implications of boredom. And it starts off beautifully, like all good stories do, in the most describable of weathers. Bitter cold, beautifully white and a rare neatness. The particularity and specificity of nature. Things in symmetry, colours in place and clarity in horizon. That is the kind of nature that lulls you into believing that it extends to all things purveyed by man, woman and dog. Not so, definitely not so. It might work…in rare instances if you have the perseverance to block sight and fog your glasses. I, unfortunately have had laser surgery.

So it starts and so it went on, in conscious abandon and unrelenting blindness. Or am I being too hard on the protagonists? Yes I am. Let’s face it, was happy while it was, marvelous actually. Like the taxis in the Bombay monsoon. Like motorbikes cruising through the valley. Like the mud splats on my jeans. And the Chinese food. And the key-chains. And the history. And the fibs. Carefully constructed, meticulously ‘alibi’ed.

Then why the angst? Because it’s not around you see. And what is, is ‘nice’, just plain, simple ‘apple-pie’ nice, linear and flat. It explains itself. It leaves nothing to construction and imagery. It falls into place. So boring.

What I’d like is for life to run all around the place and evade reason. I’d like it to live outside its plans and paths. I’d like it to fly and fall and scrape its knees. I’d like my life to be outside my directorial talents. To surprise me every day and take pleasure in my wide eyes. It used to. It really did used to. And then I got scared. And gave it up. And now I want it back again.
In a bit of a situation...

I think I have replayed this in my head for a very long time now. And for all clean logic, this is how it should be. Fast, unfeeling and distant. But the distance does not reduce the impact. Still pulls no punches. Still draws blood.

A little blood-letting is always good for the fever though.

Time to get up and get going. Work calls and so do other diversionary tactics. Such a funny game...

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Sorry people, just one those days, the 'validate me' ones...

FAE
You are blessed with faery wings. Beauty, laughter, life, magic...that's what you are all about. You are refreshingly innocent and happy with your life of purity and play. Life's a game and it's a good one. In your eyes there's no way to lose! You can be very mischeivous and have been known to cause trouble, but it's all in the name of fun and not meant to really harm anyone. You like to play tricks on people who aren't quite as bright or clever as you - which is almost everyone. Nature is the setting you prefer to be in - Always. Barefoot and wild you can't be tamed. You're probably a restless spirit who loves to travel, and quite a dreamer. Your creativity is astounding and your art (of whatever media - from writing to painting to drama) is like something from another world - ethereal. You can either be a social butterfly or a loner with their head in the clouds - but rarely inbetween. You stubbornly refuse to accept responsibility or to give in to the wishes of others - unless you feel like it. You have a strong passion for music and can't imagine life without it. You'll grow up someday, but you'll always be a child at heart. You are adventurous and love to take risks, and feel a deep connection with the weather, plants, and animals. You prefer sunshine to thunder or snow, the warmth of summer to autumn's chill, and quiet forests to suburban backyards. Magic through and through, you are far more powerful than you seem, and are capable of being extremely passionate. Though you can be childish, naive, stubborn, and self-absorbed, one thing is certain - life with you will never be boring!


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

Monday, January 19, 2004

It's not good to care this much about myself. It's not good to watch the ground when I walk. It's not good to scare easy and walk tall.

But I'll tell you what's good. It's good to drive in the sun and the wind. It's good to wear red and walk in the cold. It's good to hear the water gurgle (even if the pond was called the stream of divine love;)) and the wind whistle.

Walking by the pavement, dodging the cobblestones, hoping for a miracle...
'You walked by luv and lit up my life'...god, the guy could talk...
I am spoilt. Or at least I used to be. Doesn't seem like there's anyone to ask that of anymore. Not right now anyway. Oh, they'll come along sometime or the other. But, I, my darling am giving away what little bargaining power I had. Do not have the inclination or the energy to cajole, push, beg, plead, demand or claim. What I have, I have..what I don't, I don't.

It makes me more content to listen right now. To watch with beady, frog eyes and amuse myself with the erudition of your wilfulness. The games people play are not necessarily the ones they win. I, on the contrary darling, am most always destined to come out clean.

Saturday, January 17, 2004

It's been raining for the last three days now. Feels like the tropics have come to town. And I couldn't be happier. The inactivity and the weather have lulled me into temporary drunkenness. Recover I will, rather, recover I have to...if not will, then coursework will make sure of that.

Changes are happening...minor, insignificant, obscure...creeping, wilful, cunning...charming, dissembling and draining...making their way into the pores of my skin...interrupting my sleep and souring my view..

Ah well, it comes around...I should stop walking around with magnifiers.

Friday, January 16, 2004

Searching in earnest...if there's a time to be honest, I assume it is not now. Because if it were, then I would know.
Unfailingly, unflinchingly and unknowingly...I would know...

Right now, it is a time to crouch in silence and watch the clouds weave patterns in faraway skies. And hope as hell that everybody I love are happy in their parallel universes. Happy in the things that they do, the fears that they fight and the loves that they live. If they weren't , then how would I ever believe that I stand a chance? Therein lies the irony of voyeurism...in its search for validation...in its desperate need for a raison d'ĂȘtre...in its pathetic bid to belief...

Thursday, January 15, 2004

I am going to try a risky bet. Oh-so-risky. Oh-so-bad-for-me. Oh-so-not-right.
Unworldly, irrational and doomed from the start. But god, it's a roller coaster ride.
And right now I am on a high. And tomorrow I will be on a low. And day after I will want my linear life back.
But right now I'm drenched and fey.

One day, I'll tell you all about it...

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

It's not the spectre of intense tragedy but the sum of minor irritants that puts me off course. A nudge here and a nudge there and I am ready to run, lock, stock and the whole burning barn. Somebody surprise me with a little permanence.

On second thoughts, this has become a habit. The lament to the heavens, the angst of the limelight to an audience little more than none.

Am back in school, gathering the threads of a temporarily forgotten scheme. And it's nice to feel it all seeping back. The road to the library, the trees and the rain and the newly dug flower beds. And the oh-so-bright blossoms. It's good to be back. For some time at least.

I walked to the department today, met a friend, spoke to a prof, ran a few errands. Nothing spectacular. But just the surety of everyday purpose is such a comfort. Like a thin blanket on a winter's summer day.

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Happy New Year and all that jazz! Don't feel like a new year, feel more like an old year spilling into a new year. I have no resolutions and I don't feel an upsurge of good cheer.

But I am happy. In a limited, sensible manner. None of which adjectives are going to apply an hour from now. Because it's time to end the vacation. It's time to get back to my insane life. With the choices that are careening out of proportion and landscapes veering out of focus.

Head up, shoulders straight, feet in motion...

Dance with me.