Monday, January 31, 2005

Addition and correction to the last post. My week thankfully has gotten off to a start...have been fed and cossetted by thoughtful friends and have all my readings for the next few weeks. It is time to move on.

Tomorrow's slotted for Althusser and ideology while day after will be about capital, empire and Micronesia;)...I wonder how it all comes together and more importantly, when will my mother understand exactly what I do? This I'm sure is in the genre of repeated posts agonising over academic angst and I have not been able to understand clearly where it stems or whither it will go. All I know is that I need to get onto fieldwork soon. This of course after the spectre on the horizon, the dreaded qualifiers. A few hundred articles and a few million theories. Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez! But as a professor of mine once put it, who said the nights are for sleeping?

Question of the week: Is there potential to consider the politics of representation in tenuous negotiation with the politics of action?
Maladies and sicknesses in the air. It's cold and rainy and gloomy. I need to go home. Really...On other fronts, I can hula hoop the other way round...pity the world doesn't look any different.

Watched this movie called 'In the Mood for Love'. Was a tender, moving account of the need and negation of possibilities of love. Of things that creep up and worlds that move on. Stumped stunted lives; and yet we walk. And damn hell, my week will not start.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

I bumped into him on campus last week. He looked different and haggard. A pity how things can irreversibly change over the period of a few months. I feel tougher and yet puzzled at the tenacity of memories that will not give away to the irrepressible reality of sensory evidence. Ah well, mine not to question why...

On other fronts, my hair's straighter, kitchen cleaner and refrigerator fuller. All of Sunday has been devoted to replenishment, domestic work and catharsis, the former obviously more attainable than the last. Back to school and movement tomorrow. Does life change, get better, surprise you or kill you? I have ceased thinking about these for a few days now and they are slowly beginning to re-assert mindspace. Between the cradle and the grave, is all an empty plot, a vapid brain, a vainglorious conspiracy.
For once, I do not have an unending sense of the end. The party’s over, decisively yet gently. It’s all good. And I have work to do. Two articles and a grant proposal besides endless reading and posing. The correct terminology I believe is escapism. I was thinking of booking tickets by the end of February but am going to have to figure out summer internship possibilities before deciding on that one. And of course, word has to come in on the whimsical generosities of social science philanthropists before I can contemplate a plan. Contingency and hegemony seem universal right now. And for once, I wish, I truly wish I understood what that meant.

A professor in the department was lamenting about the lack of any personal validation as a social science practitioner. We read, write and play with building blocks that are all mutually referential finally melting into thin air. Bare conceptual verisimilitude. He is a wise man...all I need is the ability to retain the possibility of that kind of wisdom five years hence.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

It's Saturday night and the week has ended. The rest of the weekend is going to be devoted to the pursuit of equilibrium. My cravings for a change are for sanity as opposed to adrenalin-charged bits of ephemerality. Adios, ciao and hasta manana...

Thursday, January 27, 2005

A little disoriented, part of it in a good way and part of it in a bad. For once, it is not about circumstances of my own making or anything directly connected with what I do, think and say. But it does feed into an ether of incredibly gentle sadness. It's resting softly in my head...I don't know what to do with it.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

If I could sidestep I would...
If I could step over I would...
If I could run, hide and slurk, I absolutely would...
But I can't...
God and life do apparently lie in the inane, messy, undesirable details...and detail them I must. The next two days will no doubt be mundanely boringly insane.
I haven't had anything to say...between too much time and too little, I haven't inhabited moderate weather in some time now. The semester has caught up and I am catching my breath. Winter has faded into memory and so has sleep. This, indeed, is the life.

On other fronts, I have quite a few interesting courses and this should be my last semester of coursework. Qualifiers loom on the horizon but that is only if I get through this one alive.

My reading list for the week:
Body rituals of the Nacirema
Empire
Critique of the State
Blue and Brown Books
Funeral Casino
Scandal of the State
The Word Child (this one is the sanity factor)

Interesting, tiring, frustrating, invigorating and very puzzling. I was trying to remember all the books I have read since getting into grad school and my memory feels like a sieve, a sieve sifting extra fine sand at that! To what avail and what ultimate noble cause? Passing time, chewing gum...hell and damnation...

And yet, I do like it. In spite of the fact that I seem to have lost the ability to communicate in less then sixteen letter words and twenty word sentences, and I need to process everything in terms of problematizations, critiques, engagements and deconstructions, in spite of all the useful speech that I have forgotten and the useless verbosity that I spew...I am hooked...do you think I will ever get back to the real world?

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Is beautiful cloudy weather outside, am headed out to read. Between the cunning of recognition and the rhetoric of empire, I am inextricably enmeshed in jargon and anthro-speak.
Happy New Year!!! It's the night of the 1st or rather the morning of the 2nd. I've been around wonderful, kind, warm and happy people (not to mention some a little buzzed), swirled rum, tequila, wine and champagne and been held, coddled, smiled at and generally protected. Two cakes, two dinners and innumerable wishes and phone calls. Thank somebody for my unbearably wonderful family and friends. Can I keep them forever?

And yes, as I was telling somebody my resolution this year is to value these tiny slivers of hopeful humanity that keep me going and measure them in the moment rather than in the opportunity costs of 'when they are not around'. Maybe...

And I hope you all have a wonderful life ahead with the sun and the rain and the dogs and the cats. I wish you all the tenacity to live...inspite of all evidence to the contrary. I wish you all the ability to elude...