Sunday, January 30, 2005

I bumped into him on campus last week. He looked different and haggard. A pity how things can irreversibly change over the period of a few months. I feel tougher and yet puzzled at the tenacity of memories that will not give away to the irrepressible reality of sensory evidence. Ah well, mine not to question why...

On other fronts, my hair's straighter, kitchen cleaner and refrigerator fuller. All of Sunday has been devoted to replenishment, domestic work and catharsis, the former obviously more attainable than the last. Back to school and movement tomorrow. Does life change, get better, surprise you or kill you? I have ceased thinking about these for a few days now and they are slowly beginning to re-assert mindspace. Between the cradle and the grave, is all an empty plot, a vapid brain, a vainglorious conspiracy.
For once, I do not have an unending sense of the end. The party’s over, decisively yet gently. It’s all good. And I have work to do. Two articles and a grant proposal besides endless reading and posing. The correct terminology I believe is escapism. I was thinking of booking tickets by the end of February but am going to have to figure out summer internship possibilities before deciding on that one. And of course, word has to come in on the whimsical generosities of social science philanthropists before I can contemplate a plan. Contingency and hegemony seem universal right now. And for once, I wish, I truly wish I understood what that meant.

A professor in the department was lamenting about the lack of any personal validation as a social science practitioner. We read, write and play with building blocks that are all mutually referential finally melting into thin air. Bare conceptual verisimilitude. He is a wise man...all I need is the ability to retain the possibility of that kind of wisdom five years hence.