Monday, February 28, 2005

It's been a long day and I haven't written for fear of lapsing into melancholia. The weekend was good, yet terribly draining and it's now beginning to take its toll. When I can least afford it too. But first things first...

Got a rejection from this major grant that I had my hopes illogically pinned upon...also figured that life is not as within my control as I would like it to be, famous last words indeed. And last, called home to demand tickets to get back...not that my parents aren't used to such calls, they tend to take them within stride for good measure. If anything, my father was surprised that he hasn't heard this stuff from me in a while. What can I say? I am angry, petulant, crazed, melancholic, sad and tired all at the same time. But again, they tend to wash upon me in alternate waves of intellectual distance and intense messy intimacy. The latter of course being the parts that I cannot manage.

Management is a dangerous word; it indicates suppression, diversion, negation and destruction all at the same time. Incredible amount of intelligent, directed violence that I know I am well capable of. Scary. And reckless. So coldly reckless. And yet I know it is not important that I am feeling out of control. Because it will settle in, if not into indifference, then certainly into ennui.